For a long time I firmly believed that hard work is dedication is what got you ahead. But I realize that was an ideology I clung to in order to motivate myself and give justification for unsuccessful people. From the little girl who’s house burned down when I was in 8th grade, to the boy who’s mom was addicted to drugs with no father in the house, who thought the only way to combat his school bully was to stab him to death, to the girl who was molested by everyone she thought ever cared for her, your life is a byproduct of generational curses. A byproduct of the people who came before you. People would then argue, well what about the success stories of people who were homeless, drug addicts, locked up. Well that’s exactly what those situations are, stories. And even if there were hundreds of thousands of stories like that, how does that compare to the 6 billion other people? The “losers” who die and never saw their fairytale ending. I guess we should tell the cancer patients that they just didn’t try hard enough. Or starving children. Or people born in crack, and roach infested houses that if you just focus on school, you’ll make it. It’s simply not true. Your life is riddled with choices and the choices you make are not just determined by you. Someone still has to choose you. Someone , somewhere, who opens the door to that new job, or better pay, or golden opportunity, someone has to see you, and choose you. And people are overlooked every single day. But I still work hard. I still delude myself with this belief that if I just keep going no matter what, eventually things will work out in the end. But everyday I look over my shoulder worried that life will do its life thing again, and something completely out of my control will throw my life into a spiral. Some people rarely experience this phenomenon, so I can understand you reading this and not understanding, or believing it’s too dark. But you should count yourself as lucky. It’s so sick because people don’t even want to believe they are lucky because they will feel guilty for it. But there’s nothing to be guilty about. Gratefulness is all that’s necessary. So heres to luck. Here’s to everyday I breathe when my mother can’t. Here’s to everyday I am drug free while my sister struggles. But somehow I’m expected to live being tormented by the thoughts I have in my head. The overwhelming sadness and loneliness. The anger as I watch people smile. And enjoy. And take for granted everything I once did too. The only thing separating me and you is truly a series of unfortunate events. So enjoy it while you can. And I pray it never happens to you. But don’t believe you’re here because of hard work. Hard work has nothing to do with it.
Category: life
Rotten Leaves.
I just can’t allow him to violate me anymore. If I do, I’m just repeating the cycle that’s been ingrained in me since birth. I’ve always been disrespected. Since being in my mother’s stomach. She doing drugs , drinking, because fuck me right? I don’t deserve a fair shot at life right? I was born a premature baby. Shaking, convulsing. I wanted drugs before I took my first breath. And when I was 9 months, and done incubating, they shipped my mom off to rehab, my dad was already in jail, and me in foster care.
I talk about these things because it’s all about the roots. Sometimes all we see are rotten leaves. Sometimes, we see an angry man, who just bitches, and moans, and whines, and complains. But I don’t see that man when I look in the mirror. I see a man that demands a standard in life. That does not allow the winds of life to sway me. For I am not a rotten leaf. I am strong, sturdy, grounded to my roots. I won’t tolerate disrespect. I can’t tolerate. For me to tolerate disrespect is for me to against everything I stand for. so you must go. So I can be free.
Is there any benefit to living a virtuous life?
Social media makes my head hurt, I often see good things happen to people that have treated others terribly. And I get angry. “Why do they deserve good things to happen to them!” I scream. Forgetting that I’ve done terrible things to people too. And I’m sure people have looked at my life and thought the same thing. It’s always about money for me. Always has been my entire life. Why did my mom get to take all my birthday and Christmas and social security and child support money and spend it on herself? Why did classmates get to steal my game consoles and enjoy it ? Fast forward and why do people get to loot during riots and enjoy what they’ve stolen? Why do people get to scam a ppp loan and clear themselves out of debt and become financially free ? Why do people get to sell drugs and live luxurious lifestyles ?
Is there any benefit to living a virtuous life beside the ego in ones self to say I’m doing things the “right” way? If I don’t know what type of life lead someone to doing nefarious things then I can’t really judge them for doing said actions correct ? Is it the fact that good people can come from bad situations that creates an incompromissable law , that bad people coming from bad situations don’t get to benefit from in the same way? Does Heaven solve all of these problems ? Does everyone get to go? Or is there really a method to all this madness ?
Is there any benefit to living a virtuous life?
Cause I can see the clear benefit of doing things for ones self. But I struggle in seeing the benefit of doing things for the sake of not harming someone else if it gets you further ahead. Besides the theory of Karma of course. Which makes no sense because things always happen to people regardless of living virtuously or not ! So I guess I just don’t really understand.
Struggling here.
Is there such a thing as a Universal right and a Universal wrong?
This is a rather tough question. I am currently typing this up as I’m on Facetime with my girlfriend and dropping a dump so, ya know, really putting in maximum effort here lol. Anyways, she just hung up so, here goes.
Are there such things as a universal right or wrong. Well, how would you define a universal right or wrong. Is it defined by something that makes you happy? I wouldn’t say that. I think people reading this can come to terms with the fact that something right or wrong has nothing to do with what makes you happy. That it is some type of higher calling beyond our own ego and selfish means. Would survival constitute as a universal right? And if one country is being exterminated by another, does the underdog have the right to enact a universal wrong of “killing”, to enact a universal right of surviving? How far does this universal right or wrong expand. Surely, just within the scope of our world. Because I’m not sure how aliens would feel about fleshy life forms on two legs with fabric on, trying to teach them about how to live life.
So okay, what if theres no universal right or universal wrong? My brain enjoys this topic alot more because its a hell of a lot less constrained. But if theres no one definition for either, then are individual humans allowed to come up with their own? Which thoughts derive from ourselves, and which thoughts derive from a higher power, ensuring the balance of the world remains in place? How much is free will versus a will for everyone to be free. See because what if everyone right now just said, its okay to kill anyone you have an issue with. Well we’d all be dead lol. You remember that guy you walked past without saying hello to? Yea, crossbow. You remember the old lady you aint help across the street? How about a hot .45 to the kapernick ? (kapernick being a spin on the word cap which is a spin on the word noggin, just thought i’d define it for the less slang inclined, yea bitch the hood has intricate vocabulary too). You know, we’d all be dead. So what if this higher power ingrains humans to be born to fall within their own set of universal rights or wrongs, which falls into a bigger set of a universal right or wrong, maintaining a balance that we cant see? now wouldn’t that be interesting? Ive always had this idea that I would go up Heaven and be like, “Yo God, why you did all this, I just cant understand how you can do (insert various human atrocities, natural disaster, newborn tragedies here) and just expect shit to be gucci, like what is wrong with you?” and in all his infinite bearded wisdom he’d sit me down on his mighty lap and id stroke his beard and he’d go “my son, there are containers of thought in which you reside, and containers of thought in which i reside, and maybe even containers of thought beyond that, for it is not bound by your understanding or mine, but by the infinite expansion of possibility” ooo just thinking of that makes my dick hard I cant even lie lololol. Boy I cant wait…
Anyways , Do I believe in a Universal right or wrong? No, but yes I do. because although it may not be universal to us, it could be universal to a higher degree. And just because babies being born with maggots that eat their body alive doesn’t make sense to human #03261996 , doesn’t mean theres not a bigger course of play here. In order to ever even bow my head to the grace of a power higher than myself, I had to kill my ego(lol but lets be honest its not even dead yet) , BUT, taking the journey to doing so, has opened up my mind to the idea of “I Don’t Know” , which has saved me so much time, and possibly my own life. Which you will hear discussed, in the next chapter.
My Wrong is Your(s)… Right?
Growing up in the Bronx, there are a particular set of morals and ethics unbeknownst to those that live outside of our realm. From the way we dress, talk, behave, there are a set of factors that could make us seem rather “different” from Sally Bob Joe Bob from Kentucky(just to draw a stark comparison). One infamous rule is Stepping on someones shoe. In the South Bronx, stepping on someones shoe is big no no. And the cases in which stepping on someones shoe was inevitable; lets say on a crowded bus or train, and you did not apologize, is grounds for ending up on a Worldstar post. Why am I mentioning this? Well this example is a prime case in which someones right, can be another ones wrong. Because we all live on this planet together, we are bound by the chains of survival. And in this existence, where we are unable to survive without the assistance of another human, we must deal with learning the colloquialisms that exist within our shared spaces. This applies to kids playing recess in kindergarten, all the way up to the reasons why your favorite married couple are filing for a divorce. “Okay so some people like some things, and some people like others, what is the big deal?” Well as simple as this idea may seem , it gets more complicated when you dive into the factors that make communication between parties so difficult such as tone, volume, body language, verbiage, intent, and many other factors. It makes it worse, when all of these factors are based not only on brain physiology , but how we were raised, the environment that circumferences our household , our behavior that has been altered by those we idolize , and how we feel and think about the individual. When you see the amount of different factors that can go right and wrong in a simple exchange such as stepping on someones shoe, could you imagine foreign nations dealing with diplomatic issues ? war? racism? relationships? All of these different means of communication and judgement and feelings and thoughts, leads me to believe we focus so heavy on the things that go wrong that we don’t acknowledge enough of the exchanges that go right. The definition of right and wrong are relative to the person defining. However, is there such a thing as a Universal right and a Universal wrong? Lets discuss that in the next chapter.
Words. 